Radigonda

Mamot,

How are you doing today? I may have not recovered after your departure yet, but I am coping up so that you who are now in your truest form will also be okay in your journey to a new world. However, I still could not believe you are dead, that you are not coming back. You are very much alive in my thoughts, in my vision, in my dreams.  Reality these days is so painful that I only find solace in sleeping, where I watch you still with us.

And who would not? I still see you staying with me in my room chatting. I still see you riding beside me in the car. I still see you laughing at my jokes – healthy and alive. I still see us both eating outside. I want to get angry, but I don’t know to whom. Ah, I need to get angry with God, but you know that cannot be done.

Why do we have to face life’s tragedy, one day? And my share of that day is today. I may be emotionally strong, but I am not ready. I know you are not immortal, but I refuse to accept your being mortal till now. Not in our solid family.

When you got sick, I witnessed how fragile the human body is; that it can suddenly turn from a living form into a dead object. That it can become as hard as steel, very quickly. That a person can stop breathing any time and with what seems like a computer mouse’ click, one can be dead. Just like you. I was in denial the whole time. I was hoping you will overcome your health issues. You fought. We fought. And I was very hopeful, just like how I witnessed other ailing people recovered from the verge of deterioration to becoming healthy again, as fortunately as Papot.  I still am grateful for the graces of health bestowed on our family, and it was my conviction God was having a great project with your health issue - that you will soon recover and be healthy again. However, you did not, and the painful truth is still stabbing me every now and then.

Of all the people, why should you Mamot? I know I can live now because your death has not sunk in me yet. I tried not to let it as it will only break me apart. Thinking about those days, when you were with me all along, and that those days cannot be here again, is enough to make me go crazy.

I wish you are doing well now - you, of all the people, who were not ready to die. I saw the peace in your face during the last days when you called grandma. Yes, I miss Yoya too and her departure two decades ago was the first tragedy I have encountered in my entire life. I even asked myself so many times, when can I see her again.

Just the thought of you seeing Yoya again lightens the pain. As I know you missed her dearly, with your Uncle Canor, Aunt Inciang, Uncle Felix and Grandma Paula. They might have reveled seeing you joining them as you are the closest one they have been waiting for. Are you having a happy reunion now? So happy that you do not plan on returning to us? Is your journey to another world going smoothly? Were you not afraid?

I hope you wear the smile on your face, as you always did, when you see your mom, your dad, aunt, uncles and the grandma who nurtured you. And when I leave this world, will you fetch me too? Or will you recognize me and call my name? As excited as you were to see your mother and loved ones again, I am sure I will be as well, when that time comes.

Happy Birthday Mamot and Hasta la vista!